The Culture of a Marriage

I’ve known very well many couples who have been married to each other for over 50 years and many couples who are very sweet to each other; those two characteristics do not always go together. As one of my own relatives said, “What’s to celebrate about being married to him for 50 years?”

The culture of some marriages is to argue, to disagree, to fight verbally. Some "break up to make up,” as the song goes, and for a few people that seems to work. Not us. We like our disagreements to be resolved quickly and fairly. We understand that one of us must have a better position than the other and we just have to figure out which it is. (The fact that it’s usually me does not always go over well….) Often we simply agree that it doesn't matter.

But there are some pleasant accommodations that come with a marriage that’s lasted almost 46 years, as ours has. And here’s an example.

Tuesday we each had morning appointments. Steve left before I did. I knew I wanted a few items from the grocery store, so I looked in the refrigerator to see what he needed. Often I’ll tell him I’m going, but I didn’t call him since he was at his appointment and I thought he’d be out all day.

When I got home, Steve had been there a few minutes and was leaving again. As I started putting away what I’d bought, I had to laugh. I put a half gallon of skim milk beside another new skim milk, a quart of half & half beside another new one, and my two bananas joined four that hadn’t been in the fruit basket earlier that morning. Each of us had gotten a few different items as well, but there were noticeable duplications because we each thought the other wouldn’t have time to go to the store.

But here’s what I think is so funny: neither of us has mentioned it! I’m sure he saw the extra bananas and by the next morning the extra milks. But why bother to discuss it? There was a time in our lives that one of us would have said, “Why didn’t you tell me….and saved one of us some time?” But no longer.

Yes, being semi-retired may be part of it, but mainly it’s that we’ve reached an understanding. There’s no use complaining about—or even discussing—something that can’t be changed. Grace and mercy are so much easier to live with than condemnation.

But we’d both agree that there’s a lesson to be learned here. I’m sure the next time either of us stops to pick up some groceries, we’ll call the other one first!

It's About Time!

“It’s about time!” Have you ever said this to someone who had done something good? I’ve been guilty myself of saying it. What a negative remark about something positive! It occurs to me that if we said, “That’s terrific! I’m so glad you did that” each time we want to say, “It’s about time!” our relationships would flow much more smoothly.

Appreciation is the key to strengthening relationships. “But that’s his job!” you might say, when your husband takes out the garbage or your boss has a focused agenda and a well-run meeting. Yes, it is, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be appreciative for it.

Selfishness, it seems to me, is the root of all sin and misery in this life. Appreciation takes the spotlight off me and puts it on the other person in a positive way. I can feel good about reframing the thought, and the other person feels good about what he or she has done and about my reaction to it.

Everything from political corruption to divorce seems rooted in selfishness. I see it in myself whenever I take time for self-analysis related to a problem I’m dealing with. I notice it particularly in marriages—mine and others.

I have a lengthening list of married couples I pray for. About six years ago, I began praying that all of us would be unselfish and thoughtful and appreciative of each other. Praying this daily is a good reminder to me to show those characteristics to my own husband Steve. But such prayers, as it turned out, have their rewards to me personally.

The reason I know it was around six years ago is a gift Steve gave me a few months after I started praying that we’d all be more thoughtful and appreciative. Usually birthday gifts from him are lovely but are what he likes. This time he sent me on a trip with my two favorite cousins. How selfless of him! It was a marvelous present.

Months later, I realized that that trip was an answer to the prayer I’d been praying for all those couples, including us. He couldn’t have been more unselfish and thoughtful than with that particular gift.

People might at first be startled at your positive comments. “Thanks for emptying the dishwasher” or “thanks for giving the kids their baths” or “thanks for doing a good job on that project” might be in that “it’s about time you …” category, but will be accepted as long as the tone is genuine. (Remember—sarcasm negates the effort!)

Just thinking about the ten commandments, isn’t selfishness the root of each “Thou shalt not”? Murder, steal, commit adultery, covet. Even not honoring our parents is rooted in selfishness.

Obviously physical problems cause great suffering and are not connected to selfishness or unselfishness, though the way we react to them can be. If you can think of other miserable situations that are not the result of selfishness, do comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

More Life and Death

Another death, another friend. This one older, but her death unexpected. Her family is in shock. The doctor told them she had only two to four months to live, and they could see her struggle to breathe, even with oxygen. The next day, as they were processing "two to four months to live," she died.

Her husband of 60 years has come undone. Within two days, he gave away his queen-size bed and bought a single. When I heard this, I recalled his wife's story to a small group at a women's retreat for our church. She said that a few weeks before that, she and her husband had lain in bed together and read "Song of Solomon" to each other, bit by bit, night after night. There was a hint of a giggle as she admitted it. As young women, we received an entirely new concept of mature love--the example of these grandparents who loved deeply and were still deeply in love, who included God's word in showing love to each other. What a blessed memory for me!

But of course he can't stand that bed now. Too many beautiful memories turned painful.

He wants no funeral, no flowers, no food. He wants no celebration. He cannot face celebrating a life well-lived in the reality of his loss. He has grudgingly agreed to a brief service at the cemetery chapel, his son speaking. There is no obituary in the newspaper. I think he really doesn't want anyone but family there.

We have been with their extended family through baptisms, weddings, births, unwed pregnancies, divorce, and now death. We have seen their children grow in faith and love, their children and grandchildren become missionaries. We consider ourselves family. We will be there to grieve with them, while privately we will rejoice that our friend is now breathing freely in God's own air.